Someone told me recently that I was a badass woman. I had to laugh, because I never really thought of myself that way. But when I pondered on it I recognized that I have tended to be an overachiever in many areas of my life. I have a huge family that I manage as a single mom. I generally have worked multiple jobs to bring home the bacon. I travel and dance. I have always been ambitious with a lot of internal drive. I'm proud of the things I have accomplished.
Recently, though, I feel myself changing inside. Softening. Slowing down. Refocusing my priorities. I must confess that there are some games I no longer have the will to win.
The Rat Race: Nope. The rats can keep the trophy. I find as I get older that I really don't care anymore about professional accolades. Being top of the class or company or list. I don't really want to spend my life perpetually running. I am in meander mode these days, and quite contented there. I am increasingly aware of my own mortality, and want to be sure I truly live for however long I have left on this earth. Nurture relationships and experiences over external accomplishments. If something steals my peace, it no longer feels worth the effort. I still have many interests and pursuits, but they are more confined to activities that fuel my passions and creativity.
The chaos competition: Have you ever noticed that society praises and respects stress, even though stress is actually killing us as humans? It's weird isn't it? As if the busier we are the more value we have as people? I lived in this way of thinking for so very long, but I soundly reject it now. Chaos does NOT equal worth. Ironically, it doesn't even usually equal increased productivity. It does add up to physical illness, mental health conditions and strained relationships. No thank you. I will politely pass from now on. I still work very hard at the things I care about. I am simply more selective with how many directions I try to go at once.
The "who has it hardest" war: Funny thing we do as people...compete for the prize of who has had it worst. Why?? No idea, but it's true. You see it every day. Just listen if a woman mentions she is pregnant, as the stories start to roll in from everywhere about the horrible birth stories people have experienced. What in the world are we trying to prove anyway? That we are stronger or tougher than the rest? Does the shock value make us feel more significant? I don't know, but I don't want to play anymore. I've been through many hard things in my life, but I try these days to redirect my thoughts toward my blessings and opportunities, instead of my traumas. I forget sometimes, but I am working on it. Happiness breeds more happiness I have discovered, so I hope to cultivate that as much as possible, regardless of my circumstances.
Even in my dance competitions, I don't feel competitive. I see them more as a chance to measure my improvement, against my own self. Because it is FUN. I think I have lost my badass edge, basically. And you know what? I am ok with that. This new chapter ahead feels more deliberate. More peaceful. More grounded. More joyful. I will happily pass the badass torch onto someone else. You can find me puttering in my garden.
-